There has been a blog post being passed around the Internet talking about motherhood. I'm not going to even link to this article because, frankly, I found it to be cynical, sarcastic, and negative. While I understand the need to vent, I am fed up with the negative. The negativity began when we first shared with people that we were expecting...
"Enjoy these last months of sleep."
"Breastfeeding is soooo hard."
"You two are going to bicker all the time. Babies bring out the worst in your marriage."
"Say goodbye to your sex life."
"I didn't shower for like, four months after our baby was born."
Everyone warned us that doomsday was quickly approaching. All Kyle and I wanted was for one person with young kids, just one, to say to us, "Parenting is so fun! It's amazing. It's the best choice we ever made!”, without prefacing it by telling us how hard it was and how much this or that sucks. But, it was all doom and gloom and poopy diapers on the horizon, apparently.
We made a choice to ignore every negative statement that came our way, or to turn it into something positive. If people told us we were going to bicker all the time, then we devised a plan on how not to do that. If people said we would no longer have sex, then we decided we would schedule it if we had to.
The negativity continued after Gwyneth was born...
"Oh wow, she slept through the night? That won't last." ...and when it did... "You're second baby won't be like that!" Really?!
In the past year have we slept less? Are my boobs “never going to be the same"? Has our household hygiene been less stellar? Did we bicker sometimes? Have we eaten dinners of cold pasta while balancing a crying baby? Do some days just plain suck? Has it been stressful, challenging, exhausting? Of course! Everyone who decides to become a parent already knows that it will have it's challenges. Why not, for a change, share with those around you who are expecting or who are new parents how wonderful it is! Tell them about how parenting is fun, funny, amazing, perfect, magical, ridiculous, life changing, the best! Because it is.
I often feel that people discount my "Pollyanna" outlook on motherhood because I'm "not cynical yet" and I have an “easy” baby. This is always said with smile that says, "come back and talk to us when you are as bitter about motherhood as we are." I am very grateful for my life, my husband, and my baby. Sure, I’ll admit that Gwyneth is the perfect baby for us. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t whine, cry, wake up in the middle of the night, bite, pinch, or do any of the things that every other baby does. There's a lot of work that goes on behind closed doors and it's frustrating to have that work written off as luck. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder.
Everyone assumes that because I am so happy to be a mom, rarely complain, find joy in the little things, and find humor in the hard stuff, that I have had a really easy baby and an easy transition into motherhood. But it wasn't that easy. After Gwyneth was born, I plummeted into a state of extreme anxiety. I felt extremely nervous and unbelievably angry. I was hit with intense panic attacks, I heard voices in my head that were threatening and terrifying, I was afraid of myself, fearful of everything, I cried a lot, and my body tense with anger. After a few weeks I finally managed to say to Kyle, "I think I'm going crazy. I think I need help." Asking for help was incredibly hard. As a mother, I didn't want to need help. Luckily, I had worked with an amazing counselor in my late teens, and was able to call her for the help and support I desperately needed. I worked with her a few times a week over the phone for my first two months as a new mom. Just talking helped. Exercise helped. Fairly quickly I was able to regain my footing, and proceed with joy and intention into my role as a Gwyneth's Mom.
About a month ago I was watching an old interview with Brooke Shields on Oprah (because that's how cool I am), and she was talking in-depth about her experience with postpartum depression. As I watched, something clicked. I completely connected with some of the things she was saying. Not all of it, but a lot of it. The bizarre thing was that, I had read this when I was going through my own experience with postpartum anxiety, or depression, or whatever you want to call it. At the time, I read it and thought, how terrible... it would really suck to feel like that. It wasn't until just a month ago that I recognized myself in it. I thought that having postpartum depression meant that you didn't care for your baby, didn't feel love for them, and weren't ever happy. I was happy a lot of the time, euphoric even. I loved Gwyneth beyond anything I ever imagined, so I didn't recognize what I was experiencing. I'm so glad that there's help when you need it in the form of wonderful lactation consultants, other parents, husbands, sisters, your own parents, friends, and counselors.
The point is, it hasn't been all easy, or perfect for me. I choose to be appreciative, positive, to seize the day, and to live in the moment as much as I can. I love being reminded by sweet older ladies to enjoy it because, "It goes by so quickly". It reminds me to live each day with gratitude, even the hard ones. I love being a parent. I love having someone who needs me and relies on me. I have never had the desire to work so hard for anything in my life. Having a child has made me want to be the best possible person I can be. It has grounded me. It has elated me. It has expanded my heart and my mind. I cherish it. Becoming a parent was the best choice I ever made. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Sometimes I wish the days were twice as long, and that I could do this whole last year over again because I have loved it so much and learned so much. I'm not just saying that to make a point, I really do. I kiss my baby hundreds of times each day, and I go to bed each night and reflect on how lucky I am because, even though it's hard work, it's the best investment of my energy, time, and love that I can make.
If you know someone who's expecting, tell them all the wonderful things you can. Offer your love and support to friends with newborns. Help the new mom at the grocery store load up her groceries so she can get her twins out of the rain, even if that means you and your baby get a little wet. Send a care package to a new dad you know. Every one of us is doing a great job, doing their very best. Be supportive, positive, and encouraging.
I am genuinely excited for the people I know who are expecting... especially my sister and Rob. They are in for such an amazing journey full of joy, snuggling, laughter, and fun. They will probably have some sleepless nights, but babies look beautiful in the moonlight.
Here is a little list of my favorite positive family blogs. They really help me, inspire me and encourage me...
James over at Bleubird Vintage shares her adventures in motherhood. She has three beautiful kiddos, Milla, Jullian, and Gemma. On her blog you will find great food ideas for kids, fun little project ideas, and bits + pieces of her life as a stylish mom.
Naomi's blog, Rockstar Diaries, is the blog I relate with the most. Her amazingly cute daughter, Eleanor, is just a month younger than Gwyneth. It's been so much fun to follow along as she and her husband parent their sweet girl with extreme positivity. They are expecting their second baby this summer.
Adeline's Daddy is a new blog to me. It's fun and refreshing to read a Dad's take on parenting. He just wrote about what it's like to have a daughter and I loved it!
Sometimes Sweet is a great blog. Danielle writes (very well) about being a mom to her son Henry, her healthy habits, and her daily life. Her blog has great variety and is very motivational.
The Littlest is a really sweet blog. Elizabeth shares photos, thoughts, and inspiration. It's always positive and lovely. Her daughter, Elodie, is obviously the apple of her eye.
Katie's blog, Skunkboy Creatures, is fun, stylish, and upbeat. She has two sweet girls, Hope and Poe. Her blog is always a pick-me-up.
Yellow Finch Designs is the blog by busy mom Liz. She has three kiddos and is always positive and proactive.
Gwyneth is now almost 16 months old, but when she turned one I (half-jokingly) told a mom of five I know, that I was going to come to her when it was time for potty training. She told me, "Start now. Just start putting Gwyneth on the potty before baths or at diaper change times to get her used to the idea." I know for a lot of mom's they run into a big issue with potty training because their tykes are frightened of the toilet, so it seemed logical to me to introduce her to it before it would occur to her to be scared.
Sorry for my absence over the past couple of weeks. I've been so busy wrapping up the quarter of school. Our friends, Jeremy and Tara are coming down for the weekend and it will be so much fun to have them here. I hope you all have a wonderful, relaxing weekend! I'll be back to "normal" next week since my final papers are due tonight!
I LOVE YOU.
