Gigi is totally ready to be a big sister. We got her this wonderful book called, I'm a Big Sister (there's a version for big brothers too) and G has been reading it to her baby doll a lot. It was actually surprisingly hard to find a completely thoughtful, positive book about becoming a big sister. A lot of them portrayted the big sibling as getting spoiled and bribed, and frankly, being awfully bratty! So, if you're looking for a sweet one, this is it. It mentions ways she can be helpful, what she can do, and points out how very special she is.

The other day she asked to get in the baby's crib with her doll, tucked her in and proceeded to read the book to her. It was heart-melting. My favorite is when she reads, "Look at me! I'm your big sister!" She's going to be such an amazing sis. We also have a few little presents tucked away for her from her baby sister. One thing she can use to "play" with her sis (an old school Fisher-Price doctor kit), and something just for her (a Melissa & Doug sticker book), and something silly (a bright purple calculator since she loves "doing calculations with my Dad")!

She's been cuddling my belly, and is more and more interested in feeling the baby move. And at our doctor appointment this morning they let her find the heartbeat all on her own, her eyes lit up and she was so excited and said, "That's a silly baby!" She plays "midwife" all the time at home. Using a measuring tape to measure my belly, listening, and she even gets a little towel wipe the imaginary gel off my tummy... and today she put on her (imaginary) gloves and said, "Okay, Mama, I need to check your 'gina!" Maybe she's come with me to one too many appointments...

As ready as we are to welcome this little one, I'm also enjoying all of these moments.

This past week was depleting and hard, and I had to repeat to myself more than once the wise words my Grandma always said to me, "This too shall pass." Kyle is studying and working around the clock and I'm supposed to be taking it easy... which is much easier said than done when I'm on my own from 8-5 every day with Gigi. Even though we're in the thick of it right now, I am doing my best to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Kyle will have his exam, this stressful part of pregnancy will be over soon (but hopefully not too soon), and we will have a wonderful summer. Being on my own day in and day out has been pretty isolating. Going to the grocery store is dicey, I'm not getting any fresh air or much exercise (unless you count dressing a toddler exercise, which I do), and I'm not sleeping well...

But this week, right when I thought I might lose it, I got a sweet little care package from my friend Liz, my Dad stopped by with a latte, Kyle's parents purchased everything we really, really needed from our registry, my girlfriend had her baby (which served as a reminder that there is something wonderful in the works), and our neighbors took Gigi for the whole morning today. I'm so grateful for every gesture of love and support. We need it these days.

A few great things I've realized during this challenging experience are, when someone asks for help it means they really need it... and even if they don't ask, they probably really need it. I can definitely be a better friend to someone having been in the trenches myself. I've also learned that when times are hard is when Kyle and I work the best as a team together. We both work hard to show each other extra love, and even though we're both drained and exhausted, we always find a little extra energy and tenderness for one another. Finally, I've learned that I have an extraordinarily sweet daughter. Yesterday I burst into tears and she came over and said, "You frustrate, Mama? You sad?" I told her, "I feel a little sad.", and she propped herself up next to me and said to me, "Whas goin' on?", which made me laugh. She gave me a big hug and I told her I felt all better, which I did.

It's because of the love from my family and a handful of great friends, that I go to bed feeling full of gratitude, and certain that tomorrow will be a better day.

*The image above is a photograph I had printed for the baby's room. I took the flower photo when we were at Rosendals Kafé in Stockholm, Sweden this summer.

This week I've been thinking a lot... about childbirth, about pregnancy, about miscarriages, about raising a toddler, about post-partum depression, about welcoming a daughter into our lives. When I got pregnant with Gigi, I had experienced none of these things. But as I near the end of this pregnancy, I realize that I've experienced them all. Every single one of these experiences has been life-changing in one way or another. I feel like I'm such a different person than I was when I took that pregnancy test three years ago.

Some of the experiences I've shared here, others I haven't. At the time, I didn't share that I had a miscarriage because it was quite early on in the pregnancy, at six weeks, and I didn't really know how I felt about it. I know that many people are devastated by miscarriages, no matter how early in their pregnancy... but in a strange way, I felt grateful. I felt grateful that my body recognized that something wasn't right and knew what to do. Then, the very next month I began my journey with this pregnancy. It all felt like it happened really fast and then my focus was on this pregnancy. In fact, this pregnancy feels like it's gone so fast.

With my first pregnancy I was reading books, getting weekly emails, making a birth plan, watching documentaries... all my focus was on the pregnancy. This experience has been so different. I haven't read a single book, my birth plan 10 times shorter (and I just made it yesterday). Raising a toddler is all encompassing, I've hardly had time to focus on being pregnant, and now here we are, just a handful of weeks from welcoming this baby into our lives. I'm treasuring these last weeks of it being just me and G, and at the same time, I'm looking forward having our family grow. It's a little bittersweet.

Then there's childbirth. On the one hand I feel more prepared having experienced it before. But, on the other hand I feel nervous about experiencing it all again. It's so intense and overwhelming, physically and emotionally. I had a totally ideal, natural birth with Gigi. No medical intervention at all, in fact we practically had a home-birth. I know that this birth is going to be it's own experience. After being in labor/having intense contractions for 8 hours a couple weekends ago, I feel nervous about the pain. I hadn't completely forgotten it, but I suppose I had forgotten exactly what it felt like. It's strange to feel at once empowered, and completely humbled, by an experience.

One thing I felt nervous about before getting pregnant this time, and still feel nervous about is post-partum depression and anxiety. I only wrote about it once here, because it was a very difficult experience. As I get closer to having a newborn again, I'm finding my mind revisiting some of what that experience was like... and hoping that this time is different. The saving grace is that this time I know what it felt like, and I won't be ashamed or afraid to ask for help if I need it. With Gigi, I didn't know, and it was a while before I was able to ask for help, which I desperately needed. In fact, it wasn't until G was almost one year old that I really recognized what I had experienced.

Apart from all of these nerves, I feel intensely excited. I've been preparing the little nursery space, washing swaddles, sewing burp rags, packing the hospital bag... it is all starting to feel real. We are going to have another baby, another daughter, here in our home, in our arms, so soon. Gigi will be a big sister. I will be a mother of two. My husband will be surrounded by girls. We will be a family of four. I'm so excited to meet this little girl, I wonder what she'll look like, what her personality will be. I will be breastfeeding again. I will be deliriously tired and happy.

Last night as we were getting Gigi ready for bed, the baby started kicking and squiming so I pulled G over to me and had her put her hands on my belly. She hasn't shown much interest in feeling the baby move but this time she waited for a moment with both hands on my tummy, staring intently at my belly button and was rewarded with a few big strong kicks right on her palms! Her eyes got really wide and she looked up at me and started laughing. Then she gave my belly a little kiss and said, "I love you Sister!" and my heart completely melted. It was the best moment. Gigi flipped onto her back and put her hands on her own tummy and sucked it in and out, making it move like mine had been. Then, just like that, the moment was over but it's something I'll remember forever. These precious toddler moments seem to come and go so quickly. I feel like, more than ever, I have to be present with her as often as possible or I'll miss them. We are about to head out for my 26 week appointment and she'll get to hear her little sis's heartbeat which she loves. When I ask her what a baby says, she replies, "shhh shhh shhh shhh", making the swishing sound of a heartbeat. These wonderful moments make the fact that it's getting hard to put my shoes on, let alone hers, worth it!

Today is my 30th birthday! (Don't you love my dress in the above photo?) I'm pretty lucky to get to share my birthday with the best brother ever. He's been abroad for almost a year and I've miss him like crazy. Today also happens to be the 3rd "birthday" of this little blog. Thanks so much for sticking around and visintg, commenting, participating... it means so much to me.

I haven't had much time to think about turning 30 but I did sit down yesterday and journal a litle bit. I find that lately whenever I reflect or make goals, it's all about simplifying, organizing and finding ways to stay more in the moment with my family by removing unnecessary distractions. I am really looking forward to spending the year with my growing family, making our backyard (which is a bit of a disaster) into a wonderful garden and space to spend time with friends, hopefully traveling a little bit, reading lots of books, cooking and eating wonderful food, hugging my babies as much as possible... it's all about the little things for me this year.

I'm pretty excited to get to spend the weekend with my family and friends in Seattle. Kyle took a few extra days off of work so we'll have a lot of time to relax and play. So, with that, I'm off for the weekend. Hope you have a great one.

xo

For the past months, even the past year, I have felt overwhelmed... overtired... overworked. That might be typical for a new mom, but none of that exhaustion has been as a result of having a baby. Of course I get less sleep and have more demands on my body and time, but for me that results in a satisfied, rewarding kind of tired. I'm tired because I've been pushing myself too hard in all directions. I've been doing too much. What's resulted from this chronic over-work is that my home is disorganized, my relationship with Kyle feels strained at times (probably because when I'm stressed I tend to be a little sensitive and snippy), Sesame Street and Winnie the Pooh are regular babysitters in our house, our dining room table is my (messy) desk, about 10 times a day I realize I've forgotten to send that check/call that friend back/burn that disc/take that bottle of milk out of the backseat... I could go on but you get the picture.

I knew when I signed up for full time school on top of everything else that I do, it was going to be insanely challenging. But the trade off of finishing my degree in one go, rather than drag it out over another year, was worth a little sacrifice. During the quarter I found myself saying to Kyle, "When the quarter is over...", "Once this is done..." The quarter couldn't be done with soon enough for me. As of last Friday, it's done. My BA from Portland State is complete and I will be graduating with close to a 4.0 GPA. I finished something I started 11 years ago. While I'm very proud of this accomplishment, I underestimated how hard it would be and how much stress and strain it would cause in my home.

I have always had very high expectations of myself, and I derive great joy in challenging myself to try new things, do more, see more, do it all. When I would tell people that I'm a full time mom/photographer/blogger/website runner/full time student/actress/etc. I used to feel a little pride at the surprise on their faces, now I just feel a little ashamed. As a reflect about this past year of doing so much, I am surprised at how little satisfaction I feel about the quantity of things I've done, and seen, and tried. Because the cost of those explorations and challenges was a hell of a lot of stress.

When I look back at my journal entries from these past months the focus is on prioritization. The older Gigi gets, and frankly, the older I get, I want more simplicity and organization. I want focus. I want my values to be clearly reflected in my actions and choices. I want my family to know that they are my priority. I have a lot of catching up to do to achieve this simplicity but for the sake of my happiness, my families well being, my marriage, and my passions, it's time. It's time for me to weigh and reevaluate and consider each and every item in home, every hobby I put energy into, every thing on my schedule... I'm pretty sure there's going to be some sacrifice, some letting go, some weight lifted. It's time to simplify and prioritize.

When I started this blog I was younger, was a nanny to Miss Poppy, had just gotten my photography business off the ground, was a newlywed, was working more as an actress, was renting a little apartment. I had all the time in the world to blog about pretty things, new shoes, books I was reading, movies I loved, fashion fresh from the catwalk... Sometimes looking at my old blog posts makes me laugh a little. My life, my days, my time, my interests are so different now! It's hard to believe how much I've changed in just a few years. I started this blog as a way to find myself, to discover, create, be active in and distill my passions, and now I'm kind of drowning in them.

While I was in school Kyle suggested, more than once, that I take a break from this blog. I absolutely refused. This blog, this space of mine, this creative outlet, is very important to me. I have made some wonderful new friends, learned a lot, been creatively inspired, and touched a few lives. When I get an email from a reader saying that my blog makes them look at their life differently, makes them happier as a mom, more positive in their pursuits... I feel so fulfilled and grateful. I won't give up blogging, but over the next few months I'm going to be reevaluating what it is I want this space to be. As with all aspects of my life, expect it to be simpler, more focused, cleaner, and more organized. I so appreciate your coming to visit my little internet space, and I simply want to make this website a more accurate reflection of what I love and who I am.

With love,
Kacie

Today is my 29th birthday. I got a wonderful present first thing this morning! Gigi was coming in to bed to snuggle and nurse and she said, "Mom!" really clearly for the first time. Best present ever. Today is also the two year anniversary of this blog. It's brought me so much joy. Thank you all for your love and support. Here's to another great year.

And, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my cake stealing brother. Love you Ry Guy.

Gigi and I love nothing more than slipping out of the house in the middle of the day to meet Kyle for lunch. We do it just about every week. Usually we just meet him at the brewery to grab a pint and a pizza. It's so fun for Gigi to get a chance to see her "da da da DAAAAA" in the middle of his busy day. Lunches with Daddy are one of our favorite things.

Happy Monday! I hope you are all having a great start to the new week. I felt very stressed last week so I'm taking today to get organized for this busy week.

There has been a blog post being passed around the Internet talking about motherhood. I'm not going to even link to this article because, frankly, I found it to be cynical, sarcastic, and negative.  While I understand the need to vent, I am fed up with the negative. The negativity began when we first shared with people that we were expecting...

"Enjoy these last months of sleep." 
"Breastfeeding is soooo hard."
"You two are going to bicker all the time. Babies bring out the worst in your marriage."
"Say goodbye to your sex life."
"I didn't shower for like, four months after our baby was born."

Everyone warned us that doomsday was quickly approaching. All Kyle and I wanted was for one person with young kids, just one, to say to us, "Parenting is so fun! It's amazing. It's the best choice we ever made!”, without prefacing it by telling us how hard it was and how much this or that sucks. But, it was all doom and gloom and poopy diapers on the horizon, apparently.

We made a choice to ignore every negative statement that came our way, or to turn it into something positive. If people told us we were going to bicker all the time, then we devised a plan on how not to do that. If people said we would no longer have sex, then we decided we would schedule it if we had to.

The negativity continued after Gigi was born...
"Oh wow, she slept through the night? That won't last." ...and when it did... "You're second baby won't be like that!" Really?!

In the past year have we slept less? Are my boobs “never going to be the same"? Has our household hygiene been less stellar? Did we bicker sometimes? Have we eaten dinners of cold pasta while balancing a crying baby? Do some days just plain suck? Has it been stressful, challenging, exhausting? Of course! Everyone who decides to become a parent already knows that it will have it's challenges. Why not, for a change, share with those around you who are expecting or who are new parents how wonderful it is! Tell them about how parenting is fun, funny, amazing, perfect, magical, ridiculous, life changing, the best! Because it is.

I often feel that people discount my "Pollyanna" outlook on motherhood because I'm "not cynical yet" and I have an “easy” baby. This is always said with smile that says, "come back and talk to us when you are as bitter about motherhood as we are." I am very grateful for my life, my husband, and my baby. Sure, I’ll admit that Gigi is the perfect baby for us. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t whine, cry, wake up in the middle of the night, bite, pinch, or do any of the things that every other baby does. There's a lot of work that goes on behind closed doors and it's frustrating to have that work written off as luck. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder.

Everyone assumes that because I am so happy to be a mom, rarely complain, find joy in the little things, and find humor in the hard stuff, that I have had a really easy baby and an easy transition into motherhood.  But it wasn't that easy. After Gigi was born, I plummeted into a state of extreme anxiety. I felt extremely nervous and unbelievably angry. I was hit with intense panic attacks, I heard voices in my head that were threatening and terrifying, I was afraid of myself, fearful of everything, I cried a lot, and my body tense with anger. After a few weeks I finally managed to say to Kyle, "I think I'm going crazy. I think I need help." Asking for help was incredibly hard. As a mother, I didn't want to need help. Luckily, I had worked with an amazing counselor in my late teens, and was able to call her for the help and support I desperately needed. I worked with her a few times a week over the phone for my first two months as a new mom. Just talking helped. Exercise helped. Fairly quickly I was able to regain my footing, and proceed with joy and intention into my role as a Gigi's Mom.

About a month ago I was watching an old interview with Brooke Shields on Oprah (because that's how cool I am), and she was talking in-depth about her experience with postpartum depression. As I watched, something clicked. I completely connected with some of the things she was saying. Not all of it, but a lot of it. The bizarre thing was that, I had read this when I was going through my own experience with postpartum anxiety, or depression, or whatever you want to call it. At the time, I read it and thought, how terrible... it would really suck to feel like that. It wasn't until just a month ago that I recognized myself in it. I thought that having postpartum depression meant that you didn't care for your baby, didn't feel love for them, and weren't ever happy. I was happy a lot of the time, euphoric even. I loved Gigi beyond anything I ever imagined, so I didn't recognize what I was experiencing. I'm so glad that there's help when you need it in the form of wonderful lactation consultants, other parents, husbands, sisters, your own parents, friends, and counselors.

The point is, it hasn't been all easy, or perfect for me. I choose to be appreciative, positive, to seize the day, and to live in the moment as much as I can. I love being reminded by sweet older ladies to enjoy it because, "It goes by so quickly". It reminds me to live each day with gratitude, even the hard ones. I love being a parent. I love having someone who needs me and relies on me. I have never had the desire to work so hard for anything in my life. Having a child has made me want to be the best possible person I can be. It has grounded me. It has elated me. It has expanded my heart and my mind. I cherish it. Becoming a parent was the best choice I ever made. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Sometimes I wish the days were twice as long, and that I could do this whole last year over again because I have loved it so much and learned so much. I'm not just saying that to make a point, I really do. I kiss my baby hundreds of times each day, and I go to bed each night and reflect on how lucky I am because, even though it's hard work, it's the best investment of my energy, time, and love that I can make.

If you know someone who's expecting, tell them all the wonderful things you can. Offer your love and support to friends with newborns. Help the new mom at the grocery store load up her groceries so she can get her twins out of the rain, even if that means you and your baby get a little wet. Send a care package to a new dad you know. Every one of us is doing a great job, doing their very best. Be supportive, positive, and encouraging.

I am genuinely excited for the people I know who are expecting... especially my sister and Rob. They are in for such an amazing journey full of joy, snuggling, laughter, and fun. They will probably have some sleepless nights, but babies look beautiful in the moonlight.

Good morning!  I'm just getting my morning started with a little cup of tea and a little goal making.

2012 Goals
1. Take care of myself: exercise 3 days a week, drink enough water, sit up straight, get dressed and ready for the day

2.  Finish school: get my BA/Graduate from PSU

3.  Grow a garden: build raised beds, learn about gardening

4.  Work hard on my businesses: launch my new site, take a trip to LA, invest in photoshop, a new lens, and (maybe) a new computer

5.  Read more: books, magazines, Harry Potter in Spanish

6.  Sleep more: get 8 hous of sleep, go to bed earlier

7.  Travel: take a trip to Europe and California

8.  Be a good: mom, wife, sister, daughter, and friend

9.  Our house: complete projects, keep the house clean and cozy

10.  Live well: eat good food, drink exceptional wine, try new things, be joyful

All of these goals seem totally doable.  I'm off to a good start...  School has begun, I've been going to bed at 10pm, we've been keeping the house tidy and clean, and I'm about to get my butt kicked into shape by Tracy Anderson.  Here's too a healthy, happy, motivated start to the New Year! 

Back in August I told you about my love for sending care packages.  I am a believer in the idea that, a small act of kindness, goes a long way.  My favorite way to spread kindness is through a thoughtful care package.  It's all the better if you don't say anything and just pop it in the mail.  Then someone you love gets home from work to find a few little treats.  I am going to do a little care package every month this year!  I'd love if you'd join me.  It really takes only a few minutes and it feels great!  If you decide to join in and send one too let me know.

We don't have much money right now but I'm getting creative!  Here's a little low-budget care package I sent to my mom...


A small container of Dr. Bronner's lavender soap for cozying up cold evenings, and some herbs de provence because my Mom loves to make yummy soups all winter long.  I bought the herbs in the bulk section and put them in a jar I already had.


I also sent her a borrowed copy of The Help.  Even though she has to give it back (to Kyle's Mom) after she finishes it, she still gets to enjoy it, and a Theo Hazelnut Crunch chocolate bar.

And, of course, a nice letter.

Last week the weather here was absolutely gorgeous!  In my line(s) of work, I spend way too much time on the computer.  I needed to get out of the house with my babe.  We hopped in the car, stopped by our favorite coffee shop for a latte, and decided to go for a beautiful drive in the countryside.  We are so incredibly lucky to live so close to so much beauty.  It was warm enough to have the windows rolled down and it was quiet up in the hills.  We just drove in silence and breathed in the fresh, fall air. It was so wonderfully simple and such a great reminder of what each day holds.  Just me and my daughter going for a drive.  If I'd stayed in the house and battled the laundry I would have missed out on all of this...

Welcome to the new home of
A COLLECTION OF PASSIONS!!! 

This has been a labor of love for me and I have to say a HUGE thank you to Dayne at Barracuda Productions for making my vision a complete reality!  Please take some time to look around the new website.  Check out the About page, the Categories and the Archives and the Sponsor Info page.  I would love feedback from you!

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Just a quick thought.  I know for sure that I'm supposed to be this girls mom...

And I'm supposed to be married to this man...

... working as a photographer, nanny, actress and blogger.  For the first time in my life I feel completely fulfilled and happy!

I know that, in this moment...

ALL OF MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE.

THANKS TO DANIELLE FOR THE PROMPT..

 Gwyneth Rosemary Bennet L.

Gwyneth was born at 1:37am on December 31st, 2010.  She weighed 6lbs 11oz and was 20.5 inches long.  We had a successful home labor and natural childbirth.  I will share more photos and the full story in the next couple of days.  We are so happy and blessed to be ringing in the New Year with a healthy, beautiful newborn.  Thank you for all your love and support over the last 39 weeks!